By Matthew Swihart, Opinion Editor
Alright, fellas, let me lay it down for you. Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and that lovely lady or soon-to-be lovely lady of yours is going to want to go on a date night out on the town. The date of a lifetime, the kind of date that will overshadow any future Valentine’s plans. It needs to be that good. Fortunately for you, I’m here to let you know the ins and outs to a steaming hot Valentine’s Day date.
A generic Valentine’s date is so played out. Throw on a blazer, pick her up from her house, take her out to the local Olive Garden, have her home by her shotgun-wielding dad’s chosen curfew. Boom, “perfect” date night. Now, I would say that’s a good date night at best. So, now here’s how you go from good to great territory.
First off, what do you wear? I’m sure you probably have a suit that you’ve been waiting to pull from your moth-ridden closet. Well it’s going to have to wait in there for a little while still. This Valentine’s Day is the day that we make an impression. Go out and get the brightest colour suit possible, guaranteed she will never forget you on this night.
Now, you have to start the night out right. Most guys would pick up a girl from her house in their car, which is fine. I mean, don’t fix what isn’t broke, right? However, a car isn’t very romantic, at least not as romantic as the horse-drawn carriage that you’re going to show up in is. It’s like you’re bringing the most romantic part of New York City straight to her home. Anyways, she’ll probably still be getting ready when you arrive, so park your carriage and knock on the door.
Here comes the hardest part, meeting the parents. When her dad opens the door with the family shotgun don’t be scared. No seriously, don’t be scared. I’m pretty sure they can smell fear. Just make small talk with them, talk about football or hunting or something with her dad. Maybe that will help him ease off the trigger. Finally, your date comes downstairs. Her dad is going to establish a curfew and you better follow that or else this will be your last Valentine’s Day. Period. Say a quick goodbye to the family and now go on your way.
Make sure you leave a lot of time for you to reach your destination, since you are driving a horse and carriage. The destination, however, needs to be new, exotic, and exciting. Most guys would go to Olive Garden, Red Lobster perhaps, Applebee’s. Something Kenosha-fancy. You are going to drive that horse and carriage straight to the airport in time to make your flight to Paris, France. Now, you might be wondering how just a Joe from “Kenowhere” can even afford such a trip and that’s what bank loans are for.
What do you do in Paris? Well, take her to see the sights: The Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomphe, real-life French people, escargot, etc. Take her to a Parisian café. Share a baguette. You’re in the city of love for Pete’s sake so you better make the most of it. Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day is just one day so after you’ve done all that you can do, you better make it to your flight home. It’s crucial to the success of the night that you make that curfew.
You arrive back in Kenosha. Depending on how much time is left before curfew you can choose your mode of transportation. If you have time, take the horse and carriage, continue the romance. If not, an Uber will do. And so you make it home, just in time. Give her a kiss on the porch and head on your way.
There you have it, gentlemen of Kenosha. The perfect date night. A night your lady will soon never forget. So, go out there, and treat your ladies to a night out under the Parisian sky, you won’t regret it.