By Jasmine Pascual, Staff Writer/Webmaster
From the outside, it may seem like I’ve got my life all figured out. My hair is curled and my lips are intentionally red, so I must not have a single care in the world.
I learn how to pretend this constant pain or feeling of anxiousness isn’t there. I pull this carefree facade, I learn how to smile and grin at just the right moments, in hopes that no one can see right through it.
It’s another sigh of relief each day, when no one sees that I’m in this cycle of anxiety that seems to never stop.
Anxiety is like having a broken foot. Only you know it’s broken, but once you have a cast on your foot, it’s suddenly clear to the public that your foot is indeed broken.
No one is going to know I have anxiety, not until I tell them and if they care enough to listen.
Telling someone you have anxiety isn’t usually a topic of conversation that comes up casually.
But who likes to talk about the tough stuff anyways, right?
Anxiety feels like all your thoughts are racing through your mind, but you’re losing the race. Suddenly, you’re just trying to catch your breath because it’s all too much.
For me, my mind over-analyzes everyday situations.
I could just be walking to my next class and someone looks at me and suddenly I’m feeling self-conscious and insecure. I must have something on my face or maybe my lipstick is worn off. I risk being late to my next class to look in the mirror to see if something is off, when in fact, nothing is. I look the same I did between the last two classes when I checked before.
Sometimes I’m avoiding eye contact, not because I’m not listening to what you’re saying, but because I’m listening to my own voice, hoping you aren’t hearing that it’s two octaves too high and on the verge of breaking.
My palms are sweating and I’m forgetting what I’m saying. It just becomes white noise.
I get so nervous that I start feeling insecure about what I’m saying and I just want the conversation to be over and for the day to end and blend into the next.
Having anxiety, there always seems to be a problem but there is no problem, no near death situations, there are just feelings and I’m feeling all of them at once.
It feels like there’s a rock on my chest and I forgot how to breathe, or like I’m drowning and trying to catch oxygen, but my feet are tied to the bottom.
It’s a feeling of panic that never quite goes away.
In class, my hands begin to tremble through a conversation and I start to fidget around in my chair, and I’m just desperately waiting for the next bell to ring.
Days are days and I’ve got more of them coming, but some days aren’t as bearable as the last. Most days I feel “normal,” but other days it feels like time is still yet my brain is moving faster than the 60 seconds allowed in a minute.
But my lips are intentionally red and my hair is curled, so you must think I don’t have a care in the world.